Some Things Never Change

I stared at the frozen driveway, my wedges crunching in the ice as I tried not to fall. My fingers were wrapped tightly around my gift-wrapped bottle of wine. Fingers numb, wind piercing my made-up face, I wondered why I had decided December was a good time to move back to Vermont. 

I slowly walked up the stone steps to the front door. When I stepped inside, the tension melted off of my shoulders as warm air blasted my face. I expected this sensation to be accompanied by loud music, shouting, and a crowd of people. 

Instead, I was faced with a german shepherd licking my hand. 

“Cam! So happy you could come!” A short girl with black hair and a shiny blue dress met me in the entryway as I hung my trench coat in the closet. I gave Nicole a hug before taking in the modern three-bedroom house she’d bought with her husband a year and a half ago. 

“This place is beautiful! Thanks so much for having me,” I gushed. 

“Of course! Atlas, come.” 

Nicole led me and the dog to the kitchen where a group of ten people were gathered. I scanned their faces, recognizing most. They enthusiastically said ‘hi’ to me before turning back to their friends, quiet conversation and light background music giving the white and blue kitchen a homey feel. 

Then I saw him. 

He was as tall as I remembered. Just as cute, too. No…cuter. His shaggy brown hair was now styled and clean. His muscle filled out the button-down he wore, the light green color bringing out the blue sparkle in his eyes. Rolled-up sleeves called attention to his biceps. I moved my gaze past the veins on his forearms to the calloused hands that held onto his beer. 

“Hi, Cam.” Ryan’s voice cut through the crowd, his eyes landing on me as soon as I spotted him. I recognized that deep tenor anywhere. It broke me from my haze and I smiled up at him. 

“Hi.” 

The last time we spoke, I was crying. Telling him I was sorry for hurting him, that I wished it didn’t have to end this way, that maybe in the future, we could try again. 

I blinked as the memory surfaced. Unsure of what to say after three years of nothing but occasionally checking his social media, I turned back to Nicole and focused my attention on her. I had known he was going to be here.

I hadn’t known how much it would affect me. 

We started the night with shots. Couples hung around together, clinking their glasses, talking with low voices. Nicole’s husband told us there were games in the basement and to help ourselves to anything in the mini-fridge. A collection of gift-wrapped bottles were gathered in the living room, and it was decided that we would open one every hour to share what was inside. 

I was in a sea of people whose lives had once been intersected with mine but had since diverted. I had spent the three years after college graduation moving around the US and traveling internationally. They’d spent it working on their careers and building a life for themselves. Every time someone asked me what kind of job I was looking for next, the shame of saying ‘server’ started to weigh down on me when I was surrounded by engineers and lawyers.

Nicole and I went to the basement with our seltzers as more people started to arrive. I saw Ryan as soon as I stepped onto the concrete floor, a flutter tickling my stomach. After being annoyingly aware of every move he made since I walked into the party, he’d disappeared for almost an hour, leaving a hole in my chest that hadn’t been filled until my eyes landed on him.

“I should see if Corey needs help,” Nicole told me as we waited for the pool table to open. 

“I can’t believe you’re ditching me,” I said.

“Sorry, girl. Gotta be a good hostess.” She went to leave before turning around and lowering her voice. “By the way, is it weird that Ryan’s here?” 

“No. It’s fine.” 

“I just feel like it wasn’t that long ago that you confessed your undying love for -. ” 

“It’s fine,” I said quickly. “Really.” 

“Okay,” Nicole muttered as she looked at her phone. “You should talk to him.” 

As I watched her leave, anxiety and sadness grew in my stomach. In college, Nicole and I told each other everything. She complained to me about Corey while I stressed about moving flights around. We spent countless nights drinking Moscato and dressing up only to collapse on the couch with popcorn and a movie. 

Then I left, and while I still called her every week, it wasn’t the same. Our lives were separate. We’d grown apart. 

So yeah, I’d wanted to tell her that Ryan was the reason I was at this party. That I may have even wanted him back. But I couldn’t. I could barely admit it to myself. I didn’t even know if he’d moved on.

As soon as she left me alone in the unfinished basement, I discreetly looked at where Ryan was standing. He was with one of his high school friends, sipping a beer and actively listening to whatever rant the guy had been on. 

After a moment of deliberation, I remembered that I had nothing to lose. I walked up to them and interrupted their conversation with a bright, ‘Hey’. 

Ryan looked down at me with a smirk. 

“Wanna get your ass kicked at foosball?” I put my hand on my hip and challenged Ryan with a raised eyebrow. He could never say ‘no’ to a game. Sports, board games, video games, whatever. Friendly competition was his thing.

He glanced behind himself before responding. “Oh, you’re talking to me?” 

“Yeah. Scared?” 

“I’m pretty sure I’m undefeated against you.” 

“I’m pretty sure you need to get your memory checked.”

Ryan smirked before following me over to the table. He took his time getting the tiny plastic soccer ball from the goal as I slipped off my shoes to get in a ready position. Foosball was serious business for us. Neither one liked to lose. 

“You look good.” He gave my blue dress a quick glance before smiling at me. 

“I wish I could say the same about you.” 

Ryan laughed before sliding the ball into the hole. I slapped my guys around for only ten seconds before he shot a rocket into the goal. He didn’t say anything until the third time it happened, and by then, my frustration was mounting. 

“Shit, Cam. Were you always this bad?” He laughed. 

I was distracted. It felt too much like no time had passed, even though so much of it had. I was getting too caught up in his smile, his look of concentration, and his familiar sense of humor to keep up with the game.

“Were you always this cocky?” I said when I regained control of my voice. 

“It’s part of my charm.” 

“What charm?” 

“The thing that made you lose that Scrabble game, remember?” 

I blushed at the memory. It was the most sensual game of Scrabble I’d ever played. Every word seemed to be related to sex. He bragged, he taunted, he winked. His confident smile widened every time he played a high-scoring word. My frustration grew with every comment he made, every stupid word I couldn’t think of. 

It turned me on so much that the game was never finished. 

“The game I won due to you forfeiting? Yeah, I remember,” I shot. 

“I was beating you by a hundred points.” 

“A forfeit is a forfeit.” 

Ryan shook his head with a grin but held back from saying anything else. He put the ball back into the court and I tried harder this time. Moving my hands from the offensive players to the defense as needed, I finally got a goal by ricocheting it past his keeper. 

“Yes!” I exclaimed. 

“Congrats on the one point you’ll get in this game.” 

“I’m feeling a comeback.” 

“Sure.” 

After I scored two more points, Ryan swept the board, making me think he’d gone easy on me. I looked at him with a frown when the game was over, wondering how I could keep hanging out with him without my intentions becoming too obvious.

“So, are you here for good?” Ryan asked. He grabbed his beer and took a sip, his gaze never leaving mine. 

“Depends.” 

“On?” 

“Life. Jobs. Family. Everything,” I replied, remembering this is exactly why we broke up. He had a life plan. I was just aimlessly floating by. “I’m at least here for the winter.” 

“Ah. Same old, same old then.” 

I smiled sadly. “How’s the job?” 

“Good! I love the company. They treat me well.” 

“Glad to hear that.” 

“Just bought a house, too.” 

“Oh, a real adult then, huh?” 

“Only on paper.” He grinned. “So what’s your next big adventure? Or is that undecided too?” 

“Peru in the spring but ya know, that might change.” 

“You? Changing your mind? Unheard of.” 

“I don’t change my mind about everything.” 

“I’m sure.” 

“Seriously. Some things never change.” 

“Like what?” 

I shrugged. I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that I had found something that reminded me of him almost every day, no matter what city was in. That when something big happened in my life, I had to resist the urge to call. That playing games had lost its charm when he wasn’t on the opposite team. That I desperately wished our goals lined up so he could stay in my life. 

Our lives may have changed. But my feelings hadn’t.

“Things.” 

“The fact that you want to travel?” Ryan pressed. 

“Yes.” 

“The fact that you’re stubborn and opinionated and don’t take shit from anyone?” 

I cracked a smile. “Oh, that will never change.” 

“Good. I hope it doesn’t.” 

I expected it to be a joke, but when I looked at his expression, I realized it wasn’t. 

“It’s really good to see you, Cam,” Ryan said. “I hope you stay.” 

“Why?” 

“I missed having you around.” He took another sip of his drink. “You definitely make things interesting.” 

I laughed. “I guess I’ll take that as a compliment?” 

“Oh, it is. There’s no one quite like you around here, that’s for sure.” 

I looked up at him. He was still standing on the opposite side of the foosball table, gazing at me like I was the only one in the room. I flashed back to three years ago, when we were at our peak. It was a time I felt alive in a way that jumping out of an airplane couldn’t replicate. I felt understood on a deep level that I couldn’t get from hostel friends. When I was with him, nothing I said, did, or thought would ever change the way Ryan looked at me. He had been the only sure thing in my life. The thing that made me feel safe and secure, like an anchor keeping me from drifting off to sea. 

Until I cut myself free, and have been sailing around ever since. 

“Anyone want to play?” A guy cut in and was looking at Ryan, even though his question seemed to be an open invitation. I took a step back and gave them the table. Retreating back upstairs to grab more alcohol, I kept to myself as I watched the clock. It was almost midnight. The time for a fresh year, a fresh start, was approaching quicker than a high-speed train. 

I took a shot of tequila and then another. I waited. People started to filter upstairs once it got down to ten minutes until midnight. Nicole poured glasses of champagne and started to hand them out. A latecomer arrived and I watched her come into the kitchen, her tight red dress showing off a baby bump. She smiled and waved at everyone, and grabbed an empty flute to fill with water. She was the only attendee that I didn’t recognize, but I had lost the urge to socialize.

I was still thinking about Ryan. About the what if. 

He came up two minutes ’till. My eyes followed him as he walked through the throngs of people. He grabbed some champagne and searched the crowd. His eyes didn’t land on mine. He stopped in front of the pregnant girl, smiled at her, and watched the TV with her as the ball started to descend on Times Square. 

Countdown. Three, two, one.

Ryan kissed her sweetly as the New Year officially began, dipping her in the middle of the living room. The room erupted in cheers as I downed my glass of champagne. Couples everywhere were kissing and hugging as I sat alone in the corner, watching the love of my life smile at a woman who could give him what I couldn’t.

This is not a true story. Not really. But it has some true elements, some real loss, and this quote sums up how I feel about balancing life and travel:

“Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt, ever since I was [twenty] years old and first went to [Spain] with my saved-up [housekeeping] money, that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice. I am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as I have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves. I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless, newborn baby–I just don’t care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it’s mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to–I just don’t care.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

I love travel. It’s new. It’s exciting. It challenges me, gives me new perspectives, and makes life interesting. It takes me to places I never imagined. It introduces me to people, cultures, and activities.

I also don’t love travel. It’s lonely. It’s hard to make emotional connections. It has made following a career path almost impossible and has gotten in the way of every relationship I’ve had.

Have you had to give up anything for your travels? Tell me about it in the comments below!